A Regency Romance in 2 minutes
by SirenoftheStorm
Summary: This is what happens when I read too many Regency-era historical romance novels. Rogues! Seduction! Marriages of convenience! Cliches! Magical butlers!


A group of rogues enters to find the heroine looking innocent and sexy.

Rogue 1: We are a group of handsome, rouguish friends!

Rogue 2: Note how disgustingly wealthy we all are!

Rogue 3: We're like a pack of wild, roguish, devastatingly handsome wolves!

Rogue 4: A pack made up entirely of alpha-males!

Rogue 5: This causes no problems in the group dynamic at all, believe it or not.

Rogue 6: We have terrible reputations as rakes and scoundrels!

Heroine: Why?

3: Because…. *suspenseful music plays for a second* we stay out all night gambling, drinking, and sleeping with loose women!

1: Not that we're alcoholics. That would be unattractive. And we don't lose any money at the gambling tables.

4: We do sleep with a _lot _of women, though.

Heroine: Everyone knows that reformed rakes make the best husbands, because they have the four qualities women desire most in a husband: sexual prowess, commitment issues, promiscuity, and a diverse selection of venereal diseases!

6: Then you'll like us! We're total man-whores!

7:We use our bad-boy charm to seduce women into our grasp, take them deep into the woods, and ravish them!

5: We do this in a completely consensual and ecologically responsible manner, of course.

All: Of course!

2: We're really quite dangerous. You had best stay away from us.

3: If you get too close to us, we may be forced to marry you to preserve your honor and then fall madly in love with you. You wouldn't want that to happen, would you?

8: It would be very traumatic for you, all those multiple orgasms.

3: Stay away from us. We want you too much for our own good. And if you don't stay away, then how will we be able to stalk you and thus be conveniently ready to come to your rescue at the first threat to your virtue?

1: Because being rescued from a would-be rapist by your stalker is Romantic!

Heroine's Boring Fiance: But isn't it my job to rescue her?

8: But will you rescue her?

HBF: No. I will be elsewhere at the time, and ignorant of the entire situation.

Heroine: Oh, he means well. *pats her fiance on the head* I'm really rather fond of him. We plan to have a nice, boring life together.

HBF: I am so sexually uninterested in the heroine despite her ravishing charms that one almost wonders if I might be gay.

Heroine: (to fiance) Hush, you're supposed to be part of the scenery. (to group) So let me get this straight, you all have terrible reputations because you have consensual and ecologically responsible sex with loose women and indulge fairly mildly in the vices gentlemen of your ranks are expected to indulge in, and despite your insanely strong senses of honor and responsibility?

All: Yes.

Heroine: _Terrible_ reputations?

1: You know, when you put it that way, it seems a bit odd. It must be because I'm so handsome and brooding!

2: Or because I had an unhappy childhood.

3: I had an even more unhappy childhood.

4: I was betrayed by a woman.

5: I have sworn never to marry because of a dark family secret.

6: I am seeking revenge against your family.

7: I am Mr. Darcy, but with a bigger dick

8: I was wounded in the war.

9: I am allergic to milk products.

Heroine: There sure are a lot of you

6: That's for the sequels

HBF: 8 sequels? That's a lot of sequels. Do I get a sequel?

2: No, but it's still not just 8. My handsome younger brother will get a sequel too.

4: And my beautiful and rebellious younger sister!

9: And my tragically widowed neighbor with the obligatory Small Adorable Child Who Will Need A Governess!

HBF: This isn't fair.

Butler: You'll get used to it. (more quietly) Best not to get too upset over it, or you may get turned into the villain. I've seen it happen before.

HBF: Who are you?

Butler: I am the hero's butler and all-purpose manservant. I take care of the uninteresting parts of the plot while the hero and heroine screw, and use my magic butler powers to discover and impart relevant bits of backstory at the right moments.

Heroine: (to butler) You shouldn't reply to him, it only encourages him. Just let him make meaningless comments in the background while the hero overtly seduces me before all of London society.

HBF: (to heroine) You know, it won't be as difficult to understandingly release you so you can follow your heart as I first thought it would be.

Heroine: Don't be silly. My bitchiness makes me irresistably attractive to men! Doesn't it, boys?

ALL: Yes!

Heroine: Let's go get in a compromising situation, shall we?

(pause)

2: Er… which one of us were you talking to?

Heroine: Ooh, I don't know, you're all so dreadfully unsuitable despite the fact that you're all rich, titled, handsome, and unmarried! I shouldn't dare risk my reputation with any of you… but I must, the temptation is too great! Hmm. Do any of you have a menacing feature of nature or a predatory animal in your name? That's always sexy.

All: I do!

1: Duke Ravensmoor!

2: Lord Greycliff!

3: Count Blackthorn!

4: Lord Lionsgate!

5: Viscount Hawkstone!

6: Marquess Stormhaven!

7: Viscount Falconwood!

8: Lord Wolfham!

9: Count Buttweasel!

Everyone: (slowly turns to look at 9)

Heroine: What?

9: What?! Weasels are predators!

Heroine: Count Buttweasel is disqualified. Okay, who is bored with the life of a rogue and secretly yearning for something deeper and more meaningful?

1,2,4,5,6,7,8: I am!

3: I am the hottest one, so I cannot marry to early in the series, lest people stop reading, and therefore must remain satisfied with my wicked ways for a while longer.

Heroine: Count Blackthorn is disqualified. Who is capable of maintaining a constant, bulging erection whenever he looks at or thinks about me?

2,4,5,6,7,8: I am!

1: What, you mean seriously, every single time? But you don't sleep with the hero until two-thirds of the way through the book! That's a three-month erection!

Heroine: Duke Ravensmoor is disqualified. Oh, screw this, I'll just take whichever one is named Adrian.

5: That would be me!

Heroine and 5, now the Hero, leave, followed by the rest of the rogues.

HBF: Hello? Anyone still here?

Butler: I am everywhere. Do remember what I warned you about anger, sir. You don't want to suddenly go mad and start trying to ruin the protagonists.

HBF: Oh, I'm not angry anymore. I've decided that I _am_ gay. Want to go out some time?

Butler: (in shock) But… but I'm a minor character over the age of 40! I'm not allowed to have a sexual orientation! Besides, in the midst of all these dangerously attractive young noblemen, why would you want me?

HBF: Hmmm, let's see, because you're the most intelligent, trustworthy, efficient, subtle, and hardworking character in the book, and you have a charming dry sense of humor? And you're neither deeply traumatized nor indiscriminately promiscuous?

Butler: This is true.

HBF: If I were a heroine, I'd be all over you.

Butler: You haven't even seen the butler magic yet.


End file.
